Like, you get a random spark of motivation and tell yourself "I'll do it when I've finished (time wasting activity)", but when you're done and think "Alright, time to (open program required for productiveness)" you just don't do that for some reason and then lose your motivation?
The only thing I can really do is interact with social media, watch youtube, or play video games. I literally have to open a video game to not be bored while watching "entertainment". This is probably related to the kind of content I consume. People say that "kids these days" are addicted to tiktok, I'm addicted to people on youtube narrating reddit posts I could read myself. At least it's not the AskReddit text to speech channels that don't even add anything. The most memorable content I recently watched was Araraura from Daily Silksong News screaming that people who follow him on twitter don't know shit about Silksong.
Amethyst-szs' discord community are the only people I talk to most of the day, other than my family (who I don't really like that much), and my acquaintances at school. I have one good friend and I haven't seen him in over half a year already because he switched school (I miss him a lot).
On the topic of not remembering things: I have a terrible memory. Whenever I get told something, the second the endless cycle of boredom continues, I forget. Oddly enough, I can easily remember weird details that don't matter at all, even personal information I wasn't told but found on someone's twitter or whatever. I of course also remember all the bad things I do that sometimes not only annoy others because I'm a dumbass who doesn't know when to stop. This has probably strained multiple relationships permanently. If you think "Oh, surely they wouldn't permanently hold this against you, think if you would hate them and you won't", but that's not true. I would dislike someone for some of the things I do. I wish I could just delete all those things from my memory, but I also wish I could improve my memory.
Every time I say something about myself, I feel like I'm making things about me even when I know I'm not. I don't know when to share what and to who, because I'm afraid I'm making things about myself. If I'm not talking about something objective, then I feel like I'm making it about myself again. I'm afraid nobody's even reading this because you don't care enough about me to read so much.
You can always find me making jokes or laughing, but I think I do that subconsciously to hide the pain. Maybe the reason why I don't experience much dysphoria is that I always feel horrible. And maybe the reason I think I feel neutral about most things is that I got used to and neutralized the horrible. I really want to feel better about myself but I just can't. I like to throw around compliments, but I rarely get compliments and that doesn't help my self esteem. My acquaintances in school call me hot, but I know they're not serious, because I know I'm not. When someone compliments my personality, I know it's not real, because of the facade I put on to "hide" the really weird one. The only time I feel good around them is when they refer to me as female because of my long hair. I'm 90% sure at least one of them has suspicions about the stuff that I don't let out around them, probably because I behave surprisingly femboy furry around them, and the "hints" I give without really realizing.
I'm having a small breakdown right now, but this felt good writing out.
I need therapy.