Everything is, honestly. I keep driving people I love away because I have no controls over my emotions at all. I can't cry so I just sit there - staring off into the distance. I would commit suicide but I'm too scared to do it.
Self harm was considered and the only reason I haven't is because I don't know where the fuck I'm going to hide the scars.
I did almost commit suicide one night, I mean, ask my girlfriend. She had to beg me to stay, it worked, but I hate myself for having to put her through that.
I want control over my emotions so I can be happy, even if it's fucking fake, honestly. I hate myself, I hate society, everything. I want off of this fucking Earth. I don't care if I go to "hell" or just see black. I want my life to be normal again, I want to be a little kid, not having a single worry in the world, and someone who faced the world with bright eyes and a happy face. Now I can't even look myself in the mirror without calling myself a thousand different negative things. It's dumb and I hate it.
I know, I'm sorry. I'm supposed to make TransSocial an "safe place" and a place to "be yourself" and I'm ruining the positivity this community has. I just can't fucking take it anymore.